The Bachelor: Part I

I woke up to the sounds of laughter and glass breaking.  My alarm clock read 3:33 as I found my robe.  The air in the hall was warm and the lights were on.  I thought I had turned them off before going to bed.  I walked slowly down the hall and began to hear conversation wafting from the kitchen.  I stepped out into it.  Some old general and two young ladies were sitting at my counter, helping themselves to my stock of whisky, wine, and imported brew.  

They might have looked at me briefly but mostly they carried on drinking and laughing together.  My voice sleep deep, I tried to ask them what the fuck they were doing.  When I spoke they stopped and looked at me concernedly.  The man got up, his fingers screwing with his handlebar mustache.  The girls giggled at the air in front of them.  I looked down at my armadillo slippers.  The general’s medals rang as he started walking.  He reached me across the room where I stood and put a heavy hand on my shoulder.  His breath smoked as he led me towards my liquor cabinet.  He pulled out a glass and placed in it ice, father’s twelve-year-old scotch (acquired post-mortem), and some tonic water.  He handed the glass to me with a satisfied smile.  

No one had spoken a word since I walked in.  I was pissed.  But I still took a needed sip.  This must have pleased him because he laughed from his belly and so did the girls (though not from theirs.)  He dropped his hand back on my shoulder and led me back to where they sat.  I situated myself across from the ladies and was finding it very hard to complain.  I took another sip and broke a weak smile.  My microwave read 3:37.

The Bachelor: Part II

I continued drinking as I waited for an answer to my original question but, in retrospect, I suppose I already had it.  The general picked up his own highball and gulped.  He finally introduced himself as an admiral, Admiral Lowe, but said nothing of the girls.  They introduced themselves as Marie and Gertrude, respectively.  They said they already knew me so I didn’t tell them my name.  And soon after I was laughing amongst strangers.  I had noticed the broken glass that had woken me up but said nothing for fear of killing the mood.  

They turned out to be rather nice people, actually, despite their strange mannerisms.  The Admiral was a funny man and his head was filled with joke after joke after.  He would fill my glass as soon as it was done and I am quickly drunk anyway.  

The microwave read 4:47 when we moved to the dining room.  We were set at the table and continued drinking and laughing.  I began giving them bits from my life.  Not too much--too interesting.  I explained how much I hated working at the bank every day.  They all listened and the Admiral interspersed hilarity into my bitching.  

By now the wall clock had become two clocks, perfectly synchronized, which overlapped depending on the location of the eyes and the drunk.  Both faces read 5:55 so I mentioned that the sun would be rising soon.  This made them look at each other in a slight panic.  But as we had become so endeared I explained that it was winter and there was still another hour of darkness to enjoy.  Onward.

The Bachelor: Part III

It was fun.  You see, few instances of espionage and intrigue cross bankers on a daily basis.  We types take what we can get.  I mentioned this to the Admiral and he laughed his belly laugh and said he hadn’t met anyone as bored since the Prussian ambassador to Nigeria.  I didn’t understand.  I told him I did not belong there; there is no passion in finance.  I aspired to be so much more.  He was uninterested with this particular plight so he asked me how long it had been since I had had a woman.  I hesitated and answered four years but the truth was seven.  They went somewhat quiet.  

He winked at Marie and motioned his head towards me.  He told me I was a good man, despite being so dull.  I looked back over at Marie but she had disappeared under the table.  As I sipped my highball I felt her hands peeling apart my robe.  I felt her take me into her mouth.  I sipped again.  My eyes closed and rolled back in my head.  I kept drinking and looked over the table through the haze.  It took a few moments to realize, but I was confused to see her up again, sitting back at her seat next to Gertrude.  They were already kissing, tearing at each other’s dresses.  I looked around.  Admiral Lowe was no longer sitting at the table.  Somehow, I still felt myself being fellated.

The Bachelor: Epilogue

That is the last thing I remember.

I woke up ass-naked on my balcony. The sun was out and high. My body and mind felt as if they had been stretched. I walked into my apartment. Everything looked fine; the sink was clear, no broken glass, liquor cabinet unmolested. I walked into my room. My bed was made and my robe was draped over my chair. It smelled of perfume. The alarm clock read 13:33. I had no idea what day of the week it was.